Bittersweet, and sometimes mostly bitter

Things have been really tough. At the beginning of the year, my social life was great: I had great friends at my school and I got invited to a few parties, but now I am pretty much a loner who only has a few people whom I actually consider friends. People have been changing: becoming more stuck- up, ignorant, cranky, and it seems like they just want nothing to do with me.

I was really close to this girl in 8th grade and the beginning of 9th grade. Since she and I have no classes together, we used to always hug each other every time we saw each other in the hallways, but now that she joined a clique (which consists of two of my "friends"), I guess she didn't find being friends with me was worth it anymore. A made friends in the beginning of the year, unfortunately the friend I became the closest with left the school. I was also best friends with this other girl at the beginning of the year, but now that she became more comfortable with other people, she hasn't been talking to me either.. Well, except for asking me what the algebra homework is. Another girl I was also close with doesn't even look at me when I say hi to her. I try to have conversations with her, but  it seems like she only talks to me when she wants to know where her clique members are.

In all,cliques have been taking a huge toll on me and gradually dropped my self esteem. I have dealt with my "friends" avoiding me, ignoring me, and being insensitive to what I have been going through for such a long time. I will do anything for my friends, since they are one of the main reasons I haven't killed myself, but it is so hard for me to determine who actually likes me and who doesn't. As far as I'm concerned, I've done nothing wrong to them, yet they still turn their backs on me.

I just can't wait until I get out of that school hell hole and start over with new friends and I can actually be me instead of that shy, antisocial girl I was in 6th grade.

But, of course I am going to continue to go through life because no matter how many times I have thought about cutting and/or ending my life, I still have hope that things will get better... even though it doesn't seem like it will sometimes